We were curious as to what film maker Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster flick, 2012, would have in store for us. Rather than guess wildly at the plot, we took a look at Emmerich’s previous disaster movies, Independence Day, Godzilla, and The Day After Tomorrow to name the 13 best Roland Emmerich cliches and to find out what we’ll see in 2012.
- A prelude where something strange signals what’s going to happen
- Independence Day: The tranquil remnants of the moon landing shake as the alien spaceships approach.
- Godzilla: A Japanese fishing boat is suddenly and inexplicably attacked.
- The Day After Tomorrow: Large hail pelts a Japanese market.
- A genius, played by a star, wrapped up in his work who knows just what to do
- ID: Jeff Goldblum as an MIT grad who picks up alien transmissions and warns the President.
- G: Matthew Broderick as a scientist who deduces that whatever attacked the fishing boat is a mutated creature.
- DAT: Dennis Quaid as a scientist who warns the VP about impending climate change.
- That genius’ estranged wife/girlfriend and/or the kids he’s disconnected from that gets involved
- ID: Jeff Goldblum’s ex-wife, who just happens to work for the president.
- G: Matthew Broderick’s ex-girlfriend who helps him discover Godzilla’s eggs.
- DAT: Jake Gyllenhall as Dennis Quaid’s very smart son who just happens to be in New York.
- A crackpot no one listens to
- ID: Randy Quaid as a drunk pilot who claims to have been abducted.
- DAT: The homeless man who gets no respect and his dog.
- A wise-cracking character who somehow gets involved
- ID: Will Smith as a cocky fighter pilot (“Welcome to Earth!”).
- G: Hank Azaria as cameraman Victor “Animal” Palotti.
- DAT: The wise cracking Brit in the arctic station who’s final toast is “to Manchester United!”
- The doubter proven horribly wrong
- ID: Vivica A. Fox’s stripper friend who goes to greet the aliens and instead gets blasted by their laser.
- G: Pretty much the entire US Military.
- DAT: The VP who dismisses the whole notion of climate change.
- The destruction of a landmark and it’s depiction on the film’s poster
- ID: The White House.
- G: The Chrysler Building.
- DAT: Statue of Liberty.
- A thrilling escape
- ID: The president, just before the White House blows up.
- G: Matthew Broderick and co. just before Madison Square Garden blows up.
- DAT: Jake Gyllenhall just as the tidal wave comes in.
- An inspirational speech
- ID: Bill Pullman’s “We will not go quietly into the night!”
- DAT: The former VP’s speech at the end, talking about rebuilding the Third World.
- A love story that gets resolved by the end
- ID: Will Smith and Vivica A. Fox
- G: Matthew Broderick and his formerly ex-girlfriend
- DAT: Jake Gyllenhall and the chick from Phantom of the Opera
- Historical/scientific inaccuracy
- ID: Aliens that could build a anti-nuke force field couldn’t decipher Morse code.
- G: Radiation creates a giant monster out of a tiny lizard.
- DAT: So, so many things.
- At least one moment that makes absolutely no sense at all
- ID: The alien talking through the guy at Area 51. He’d been their for 40 years, why didn’t he do that before?
- G: Godzilla gets lured by the military with a fish trap. He’s apparently a dolphin at Sea World and a mutant lizard.
- DAT: Wolves somehow terrorize a tanker in NYC. Where did they…why would they…(sigh).
- A restoration of order
- ID: The aliens are defeated
- G: Godzilla is defeated
- DAT: Climate change is defeated
Michael
ulyssesworkman
awarshauer
Totally thought Jeff Goldblum was Harry Potter for half a second